I don't have any logical or rational explanation for why this happens, only that I know that in doing so, I am left raw, open, exposed and vulnerable to the ever-changing needs and feelings of the people around me.
And at times, taken advantage of.
The justifications for these behaviours are repetitive and I find myself once again in a wash-rinse-repeat cycle of hurt and confusion, occasionally angry and almost always in tears. That this pattern is so frequently repeated should mean that I have developed warning bells, triggers to tell me when feelings need to be withheld, and a face of stoicism presented... As yet, I am unsuccessful.
Subsequently, I am left, once again, feeling devastated at the loss of friendship with another. This is not unfamiliar territory for me, in so much that people need me in their lives, and I fulfil that purpose. This, on its own, seems like a beautiful, wonderful gift that I can give to a person that may otherwise have no one, and I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to do so.
Whether or not this weighs up against the emotional toll that is taken on me, I am yet to decide.