Tuesday, October 18, 2011


here, me naked and you in your underwear, as I lay restless and edgy,anxious and unhappy and wondering if I wished I was elsewhere.
Your fingers smell like cigarettes- a habit you promised you would stop for me- and I find i cannot escape you, as your touch, the very essence of you and your being is imbued in the pores of my body.

I don't know if this is what I want.

I know that I should simply rejoice in the moment; the being and togetherness of ourselves, but I find myself left wanting, longing for someone who wants and needs me as wholeheartedly as I want to want and need them. I don't know if you do this. I don't know if this is something you can give me, or indeed if this is something that you want. I don't know.
And perhaps that is the fundamental issue here, the unknowing, the uncertainty that if I give myself up to you, that this will be treated with the reverence I feel it deserves. But then, I don't know, maybe you fear the same things. Maybe.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

like a torchlight held up in the darkness

via ffffound
I give until I have nothing left.

I don't have any logical or rational explanation for why this happens, only that I know that in doing so, I am left raw, open, exposed and vulnerable to the ever-changing needs and feelings of the people around me.

And at times, taken advantage of.

The justifications for these behaviours are repetitive and I find myself once again in a wash-rinse-repeat cycle of hurt and confusion, occasionally angry and almost always in tears. That this pattern is so frequently repeated should mean that I have developed warning bells, triggers to tell me when feelings need to be withheld, and a face of stoicism presented...  As yet, I am unsuccessful.

Subsequently, I am left, once again, feeling devastated at the loss of friendship with another. This is not unfamiliar territory for me, in so much that people need me in their lives, and I fulfil that purpose. This, on its own, seems like a beautiful, wonderful gift that I can give to a person that may otherwise have no one, and I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to do so.

Whether or not this weighs up against the emotional toll that is taken on me, I am yet to decide.